if your soul needs to believe.....read on

sitting here writing this post, i'm reflecting on our journey over the last few years. there were days i thought i'd die from the pit in my stomach and days i wanted to die. it was hard. the season went on and on and on. the same story every month....no money. the same answer to the same question," how are you guys doing?" still no money. still hard. it seemed it'd become the theme of our lives. if it weren't for my "optimistic, the glass is half full" husband, i don't know how i would've made it. i felt like i would self-destruct some days. and seeing the weight of it even get to my husband some days was heart-breaking. the weight of it was unbearable....but there in lied the problem. i'd taken it on as my problem. it was up to me to figure out a solution, just like i did with everything. rich needed to work harder, i needed to make more money, something had to be done. but God knew this was my vice. my sin. my stronghold. and he aloud us to continue on, till i no longer looked to my own resources and instead, completely looked only to him. that time came last winter. on my knees God showed me that i didn't really trust him. i didn't really believe he loved me and wanted good for me. that i wanted to be in control. maybe because that way i could take the credit. it's an aweful place to be. please don't get me wrong, in our season, God did absolutely miraculous things. we always had money to keep the utilities on, gas in the car, and food in our bellies, but isn't that all he promises in matthew 6? i'll tell ya, that scripture is what i clung to.
BUT, we are not so far away from those days. it seems like yesterday my mom was buying us groceries because we had no money. what i do know is that God did wonderful things like that and like this. we had a large money order, anonymously taped to our front door, we had a large tax bill paid off anonymously, we were given numerous anonymous checks through wonderful giving people at church... and always in the nick of time. we have known God's hand. we've felt him carry us and we are better and stronger for it.
in june, things began to change. after 5 months of barely getting by, may came and with it another miracle. st lukes wrote off around 7000.00 of old bills, most from when i had rykon. in the 6 months prior, some how we were also able to pay off about 3000.00 in bills. we barely ate because of it, but they were gone! rich's business finally started to turn around and he began to close one house after the other. we were able to pay off a number of additional medical bills, move out of our house, and got another large bill taken care of. in the mean time, both our jeeps had a number of MAJOR problems. with in about 8 weeks, we dished out around 3000.00 in repairs. the blessing? #1...we had the money to pay for it. #2....those two jeeps had not had any problems over the last few years. God spared us. not long after the money went out for the repairs, i got a call from the insurance gal representing the lady who hit us last summer. it was a pretty minor car accident, but she proceeded to offer rykon and i 3600.00 over and beyond the coverage of our med bills. God gave us back every penny of the money we had just spent. we have not yet recieved the amount for rich, but we are keeping our heads up and expecting the best.
one of the things i've prayed for over these last few years is that God would bless us so that we could get out of debt to be more free/available to do what he wanted us to, whether that was in full time ministry or just giving to those who serve full time. three weeks ago we officially started our "financial peace university" series by dave ramsey. i've been so excited to do this. most people don't have that emotion going in to it, but i did. this was our plan to financial freedom. as i wrote out our debt snowball form, i realized how much less we actually had and how quickly we could potentially pay them off. i started thumbing through our newest medical bills from when i had jovi (we don't have good maternity coverage since we're self-employed, so we owed about a total of 6800.00) i called st. lukes to see the status of three of the largest ones. she told me there was a 0 balance. what? how can that be? she said they did an internal audit and based on the paper work i'd submitted last spring, we qualified for charitable donation and it had all been written off, 5700.00! all i could do is get on my knees and praise god. why us? we don't deserve this lord. this song came to mind. "count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done." so i did and now i'm sharing them with you because you need to know what God did. he gets all the glory. he's the one who gives and takes away and i've experienced both and i'm better for it. i like this side better, but i wouldn't change the experience because of what he's taught me through it all. i know it's easy to say that when you're on the other side of it. i wish i could say i always felt that way in the middle of it. some days i did, most i didn't.
so i hope your soul can believe that God IS good. that he does see your needs. be faithful. when it's tough and there's no money, keep tithing. keep giving. and do NOT loose hope. i'm not silly enough to believe that difficult seasons won't be in our future, but i know God will get us through if he chooses to allow it.
"praise God from whom all blessings flow. praise him all creatures here below. praise him above ye heavenly hosts. praise father son and holy ghost."

strange little thing

i always think it's funny how little toys show up in such random places. not to mention those toys that just keep coming back....like some kind of freakish entity. take this one for instance...


this is rykon's "iwean" or alien as known to the rest of the world. this thing is like an inch and a half and practically camoflouge on our carpet, yet some how it turning up. under the bed. under some papers. under the baby's swing. it's weird. he got this little toy, if you can call it that, in one of those .25 machines. it glows in the dark and that's about all it does. but to date, we've managed to keep it around for about 5 weeks. as of now, i have no idea where it is, but i'm confident, i'll wake up one morning to find him on my kitchen counter, staring me down.

odds & ends & a little fall

standing outside in the sun at this moment...i'd have to say it's the most perfect weather for fall. the smell is fresh and crisp, but the sun is warm enough that you really only need a long sleeve shirt. maybe even just a short sleeve shirt and some jeans. i love this time of year. i love the rain, the colors, oh yeah....and of course the pumpkins :O) so rykon and i did the ideal fall thing. we raked leaves. but of course, we couldn't rake with out havin a little fun. so after all the hard work, we did this....









that is what it's all about right? make work a little fun and they'll do it for life (or at least that's my wishful thinking :O)
we had a great time. we also got some pictures the other day with rykon's perfect pumpkin find. he picked it himself. the other one that has a face drawn on it is the one i surprised him with a couple weeks ago. he doesn't let either of them leave his side for very long.




sooooo, this blog post is going to be a bit random, but i wanted to share a few things before i forgot. for instance. this.


that plant is the kind you pick up like at albertsons. say, for mother's day? they are pretty and last a little longer than flowers, but i've never had one just keep going like this one. a lender rich works with gave this to us probably over 3 months ago. the thing is healthy and thriving and has a ton of flowers coming constantly. it's so beautiful. i just thought i'd share cause i'm still in shock i haven't killed it yet.
to finish things off, i'd like to at least include my baby girl in this post. so here's some of the latest pictures of my little chunky monkey.

why do i love the halloween holiday?

i know, i know, i'm not supposed to love this holiday. but i've been doing some thinking and trying to figure out why i've always loved it. at first i thought it was the candy. candy has always brought a smile to my face. i love the colors, the variety, and it's fun. not to mention it's delicious. but i also think there's something young about it. that's what got me thinking. i think i like halloween because it allows you to tap into your imagination, to be something you are not. a superhero, a princess, an animal, a pumpkin, a clown, and so much more. it's the ability to keep that young at heart perspective. i don't like the gouls and gore. i hate all that. i hate the evil, scary faces. and i know that's what it's about for some people....but not most. for me it's about the trick or treating, the dressing up, carving pumpkins, corn mazes, candy, the fall colors, the crisp air. that's why i like it and i always will. i'm a kid at heart and this is one time a year, i REALLY get to show it :O) ok, so it's not just once a year. at least it's the one holiday that is not stripped of all it's spiritual meaning as most of our other holidays are. it is what it is. a chance to get out and have a little fun. so get out there and get some candy. while you're at it, remember what it was like to be a young.

seasons of change

i'm always amazed at this time of year. how fast things grow & bloom. it seems like one day i don't have anything in my yard and the next it's full, green, and blossoming. like the tree in our yard. i honestly remember the last time i looked at it, which wasn't long ago, and thought, jeez...this tree is so behind all my neighbors trees. what's wrong with it? others had beautiful green leaves and were even starting to show buds of little white flowers. then today, i was walking up my drive way and went to pick something up. as i rose i saw these big green leaves. at first i thought i was in the wrong yard cause it seemed out of place. they literally grew overnight (at least from my perspective). it all of a sudden had all these leaves! i sat there for a few seconds kinda confused. i guess i didn't realize how quickly something could change. when it seems from the outside there's nothing going on or maybe that it is a late bloomer, there can still be a lot going on inside. yes, this is a metaphor. it really did make me look at myself. it kinda gave me hope. things i feel are dragging on and on, seasons that never seem to end or produce anything positive! they all just remind me that stuff is definitely going on inside. god's refining, sifting, and molding me and when the time is right, i know i'm going to see a great harvest along with some really beautiful blooms. i hope they are bright, bold, and big for everyone to see cause i don't want to forget who i am or how i got there. i want others to be able to ask me about my story. it seems i've had so many seasons of dry, lifelessness, yet, all along, god was nourishing and pruning, preparing me for a time of harvest. i can look back and see this and it's the hope that drives me to endure. i hope it does for you too. so now when you see a freshly bloomed flower, tree, bush, or maybe when it's in it's beginning phases, you'll be reminded of your own life or the lives of others.

so you wanna see something really interesting? in our quest for the perfect name for our little girl to come, i came upon a website that provided full names of hollywood stars...actresses, actors, writers, musicians, etc... the really interesting thing is that to the right is their birthname. most of the people we know one way were born with a completely different name. now obviously, sting was not born with his name. i can usually tell when someone's name is a stage name, but i guess i had no idea how many stars changed their names completely or at least in part. maybe you'll find it as interesting as i did. of course, i totally supported their decision to changed their name :O)
here's the link
http://www.babynames.com/Names/Celebrities/

so what's new with me?

sometimes i feel like the answer to this question is "well, not much at all. actually, the same as always." but that just isn't true. such as, in the last week, i've made mini peach pies, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin bread. i normally love to bake (and most of it goes to work with my hubby) but ever since i got pregnant, the last thing i've wanted is to smell baked goods. i can't say my appetite has necessarily come back for them as strongly as before (a good thing), but they do taste better than they were.
my stomach has also changed tremendously. it is now evident i'm pregnant and not just getting fat. i'm also feeling the little bugger move around alot, mostly in the early evenings. this thursday we will find out if it's a he or she making all that noise :O). we are excited to know and to start preparing.
i've got a # of large tasks ahead of me in the next 4 1/2 months, between potty training, big boy bed training, cleaning out and moving the office to make room for ry's new big boy room, and any other preperations that need to happen between now and baby being born.
i'm constantly trying to adjust to the idea of having two munchkins. i can't say i'm embracing it yet, but i know that will come.
then there's my son. if nothing else, every day it seems he's doing something new. for instance. i've realized that he has an inate need to be right all the time. HE'S TWO! (i wonder where he gets that?) i'm not exagerating. for example, this morning he came up to me and saw my mug and said hot tea! i said no, this is hot coffee. he said, "no it's not. it's hot tea." i looked at him puzzled. i said, no, it's coffee. from there we went back & forth till it dawned on me that he was arguing with me. hmmmmm. so, i began to try and explain that what he's doing is arguing and i won't tolerate it. it was interesting to say the least. next thing i know he's no longer saying it, just shaking his head back and forth as if to silently say "nope." yeah, i have a little battle ahead of me on this one. he's started doing it lately, i guess ever since he started to understand how to say "no it's not."
he also reacts to every emotion he sees. if someone is sad on a show, he'll turn to me and say, "oh....sad!" or in his books he'll look at the expression, sad, happy, mad, scared, and say to me the emotion as he immitates it on his own face. adorable!
another funny trait he has is the need to immitate/act out things he sees. he can't just tell you about it, he's got to act it out too. that is soooo me!
he has so many other funny, entertaining things he does, but i won't share all those. all i know is that when i really think about it, there are many things new in my life. new, exciting, interesting things. they just happen to mostly be centered around ry. he's a dear, sweet, funny, loving, stubborn, boy who knows exactly what he wants and he always figures out a way to get it. i love the reasoning going on in his head! and i love him.
you are my "new" little boy. i love watching you change everyday!