if your soul needs to believe.....read on

sitting here writing this post, i'm reflecting on our journey over the last few years. there were days i thought i'd die from the pit in my stomach and days i wanted to die. it was hard. the season went on and on and on. the same story every month....no money. the same answer to the same question," how are you guys doing?" still no money. still hard. it seemed it'd become the theme of our lives. if it weren't for my "optimistic, the glass is half full" husband, i don't know how i would've made it. i felt like i would self-destruct some days. and seeing the weight of it even get to my husband some days was heart-breaking. the weight of it was unbearable....but there in lied the problem. i'd taken it on as my problem. it was up to me to figure out a solution, just like i did with everything. rich needed to work harder, i needed to make more money, something had to be done. but God knew this was my vice. my sin. my stronghold. and he aloud us to continue on, till i no longer looked to my own resources and instead, completely looked only to him. that time came last winter. on my knees God showed me that i didn't really trust him. i didn't really believe he loved me and wanted good for me. that i wanted to be in control. maybe because that way i could take the credit. it's an aweful place to be. please don't get me wrong, in our season, God did absolutely miraculous things. we always had money to keep the utilities on, gas in the car, and food in our bellies, but isn't that all he promises in matthew 6? i'll tell ya, that scripture is what i clung to.
BUT, we are not so far away from those days. it seems like yesterday my mom was buying us groceries because we had no money. what i do know is that God did wonderful things like that and like this. we had a large money order, anonymously taped to our front door, we had a large tax bill paid off anonymously, we were given numerous anonymous checks through wonderful giving people at church... and always in the nick of time. we have known God's hand. we've felt him carry us and we are better and stronger for it.
in june, things began to change. after 5 months of barely getting by, may came and with it another miracle. st lukes wrote off around 7000.00 of old bills, most from when i had rykon. in the 6 months prior, some how we were also able to pay off about 3000.00 in bills. we barely ate because of it, but they were gone! rich's business finally started to turn around and he began to close one house after the other. we were able to pay off a number of additional medical bills, move out of our house, and got another large bill taken care of. in the mean time, both our jeeps had a number of MAJOR problems. with in about 8 weeks, we dished out around 3000.00 in repairs. the blessing? #1...we had the money to pay for it. #2....those two jeeps had not had any problems over the last few years. God spared us. not long after the money went out for the repairs, i got a call from the insurance gal representing the lady who hit us last summer. it was a pretty minor car accident, but she proceeded to offer rykon and i 3600.00 over and beyond the coverage of our med bills. God gave us back every penny of the money we had just spent. we have not yet recieved the amount for rich, but we are keeping our heads up and expecting the best.
one of the things i've prayed for over these last few years is that God would bless us so that we could get out of debt to be more free/available to do what he wanted us to, whether that was in full time ministry or just giving to those who serve full time. three weeks ago we officially started our "financial peace university" series by dave ramsey. i've been so excited to do this. most people don't have that emotion going in to it, but i did. this was our plan to financial freedom. as i wrote out our debt snowball form, i realized how much less we actually had and how quickly we could potentially pay them off. i started thumbing through our newest medical bills from when i had jovi (we don't have good maternity coverage since we're self-employed, so we owed about a total of 6800.00) i called st. lukes to see the status of three of the largest ones. she told me there was a 0 balance. what? how can that be? she said they did an internal audit and based on the paper work i'd submitted last spring, we qualified for charitable donation and it had all been written off, 5700.00! all i could do is get on my knees and praise god. why us? we don't deserve this lord. this song came to mind. "count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done." so i did and now i'm sharing them with you because you need to know what God did. he gets all the glory. he's the one who gives and takes away and i've experienced both and i'm better for it. i like this side better, but i wouldn't change the experience because of what he's taught me through it all. i know it's easy to say that when you're on the other side of it. i wish i could say i always felt that way in the middle of it. some days i did, most i didn't.
so i hope your soul can believe that God IS good. that he does see your needs. be faithful. when it's tough and there's no money, keep tithing. keep giving. and do NOT loose hope. i'm not silly enough to believe that difficult seasons won't be in our future, but i know God will get us through if he chooses to allow it.
"praise God from whom all blessings flow. praise him all creatures here below. praise him above ye heavenly hosts. praise father son and holy ghost."